Which is how I feel right now.
I’ve taken the day off of work today to monitor my bun baby who has pneumonia, which honestly isn’t the worst of my concerns! I’m more concerned that she’s not eating as much. For rabbits this can cause GI Stasis, which can cause death. I already lost a bun to it in August of 2020 (the bun shown in the featured image of this post). I’m not ready to lose another. Some of it is probably me being a nervous nelly. Which I am. I admit it. My rabbit is my baby. I don’t have kids, nor do I intend to so I keep pets. I love my girl. She’s a beautiful large breed Californian who just LOVES to eat… Except for the past few days. It’s exceptionally hard seeing a pet not be themselves.
I’m also finding that I’m having a hard time realizing that I have very few people I can reach out to about this. I’m grateful for the people I do have… but I know they don’t want to hear about it as much as I need to talk about it. So what now?
I looked into counseling. I mean… you’re paying them to listen to you right? But even with financial aid it’s $67 a week. Maybe that’s ok for you… but I just dropped a couple thousand dollars on emergency vet bills for the second time in 6 months. I have health insurance… why doesn’t it cover counseling? Mental health is still health isn’t it?
So what next? I suppose I could do what I’m doing now. Publicly write about it. There’s a huge part of me that knows I have probably no followers, or followers that care. Isn’t that where we’re at? Following people so they follow you back? Even though you care nothing about what they do or say? Following people for possible recognition? Hoping for internet fame? Let me tell you… I don’t want internet fame. All I want is for my big, healthy and happy girl to be happy and healthy again. I’m only talking about it publicly because there might be another person like me out there who is desperate for someone to be there every step of the way.
My local people are great. I won’t take that away from them.. they’re wonderful. 2 of them care about animals as much as I do… most of them care about my response to the animal. They become concerned when I don’t eat or don’t sleep. Which is exactly how last night and today have been. I haven’t eaten since 11:30 am yesterday. And it’s 2:30 today. Lies! I ate a banana. I’ve also been watching Robin Hood (1938) on repeat because Errol Flynn as Robin Hood just makes me happy.
I’ve convinced myself to move onto Harry Potter but I’m not ready to eat yet. Animals pick up on our energy. So I’m doing my best not to be stressed out. Ha! I’m terrible at it. Not many things stress me out as bad as a sick pet. No joke. You could tell me the sky is falling and I’d probably be like “well that sucks but shit happens.”
Like I’m at the point now where when I think I hear Fay chewing, I just don’t move. Like if I move she might stop.. and I want her to finish eating whatever it is.
A friend of mine suggested I do a gratitude journal. So! I’m going to make a list things I’m grateful for in order to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for in this situation.
- I’m grateful Fay is grooming. A lot. She’s upset because I got medication in her fur and she likes to be clean.
- I’m grateful that she did poop today. And they were pretty normal. She only pooped once, but given how little she’s been eating, I’ll take it.
- I’m grateful she got at least half of the syringe of meds for her gut. That’s more than I expected. She’s a fuss bucket.
- I’m grateful she’s had her feet kicked out all day. Happy feet.
- I’m grateful she shows no signs of discomfort… except around her teeth which is a known issue to be sorted after she heals from the pneumonia.
- I’m grateful for a job that let’s me take off for these sort of things.
- I’m grateful for paid time off. Or rather, having accumulated some so I can use it.
- I’m grateful for movies to help keep me occupied during this time.
- I’m grateful for my cat… who has not left my side all morning.
- I’m grateful for my parents, who let me be sad and concerned in peace.
- I’m grateful for my niece who says I have to be Velma from Scooby Doo for Halloween.
- I’m grateful for the veterinarians and techs who take such good care of the pets brought to them.
- I’m grateful for parsley, because it’s the only thing I can manage to get Fay to eat right now.
Ok.. I think I got out everything I needed to get out.
I’ve never been a religious woman. I’m spiritual, but this has definitely shown me the power of prayer. I’m fortunate to have so many people in my life who have such strong faith and I’m so appreciative of their support during this time even though I’m sure I’m on their last nerve. This is only day 3… There could be weeks left to go.